Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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