Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
