It's Friday. Sex?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
