you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
