mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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