Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
