If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
