That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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