yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
