the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
