I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
