mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
