got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
