taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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