Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
