Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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