saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
