Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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