dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
