update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
