What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
