I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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