he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
