Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
