They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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