glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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