Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
