I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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