Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
