This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
