cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
