shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
