Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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