He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize