where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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