I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
