so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
