I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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