captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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