my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
