"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
