My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
