I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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