Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
