I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think I am morally bankrupt
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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