so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
