I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
