Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
