I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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