Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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