I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
