The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
my liver is dry heaving
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
