I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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