UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
