remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Slut skills are useful in every country.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
