I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
