Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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