anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
